Man of many hats

He stood in our kitchen wearing a perfectly shaped black baseball cap when he first confessed his desire to be a fire man. This hat is his go to hat. Since we were teenager he would slip it on and run out the house on any given day. Someday to hide is bed head, others to hide the stress of family issues and sometimes because it just looked good hiding his shy eyes.

As our married life together began to take shape I have seen this hat belong to a musician who traveled across seas, two children have played peek a boo with it and often it sits on his dresser while he sells insurance in a dress shirt and tie.
But for the past six months upon his head has been a red baseball cap reading “Fire Academy 11-01”

Three full days without help, without a daddy, without a husband without my life partner. On Sundays our life gets a single moment for all of us to be together and fresh air fills the room. We all breath it in….long deep breaths knowing the next week we will return to missing him.

As our months turn to weeks on our countdown I start to see our future through a less foggy window. Although life as we know it has continued to go on since he started the fire academy in fact we have celebrated birthdays, road trips, baby showers, growing baby bumps(my sisters), mastered crawling, first steps, many laughs and milestone moments. Most of them without him.

While I sit in my cool comfortable dark room writing this now, complaining, feeling annoyed, he is wearing 70 pounds of hot gear planning, prepping, practicing to save a life, to save a home, to save someone’s memories.
So many times I have had to give myself a pep talk and remind myself to get over the fact I am tired. He is up at 2am on Saturdays running 7 miles, swimming laps in murky water, climbing dozens of flights of stairs and doing hundreds of pushups. Again I ask myself how tired am I?

Often I find would find myself longing for a moment alone, just to read my book. Since I have been a single parent those moments have been few and far between. But realize while I wish to read a book he is required to read hundreds of pages in order to pass his tests. All while working out, working insurance during the day, and cherishing the few hours he gets with his family.
He is passing with flying colors, I know of only a time or two where he didn’t get a perfect score. I am in awe of his motivation, studying well in to the night. He has always been well fit but his body is now sculpted to perfection from all of the physical training. His drive and dedication are remarkable.

So It is my chance to give him the recognition he deserves….Anthony you are an extraordinary man. I appreciate the way you give every ounce of your strength to our family. Working hard so I can stay home and be a mamma, so we can have a nice house, so we can have big family dinners and fun vacations, and so we can keep dreaming. I love the way you love our children with all of your heart. I thank you for making me feel loved, for making me miss you even when we are in the same room. And most of all I thank you for chasing your dreams and completing your goals. It takes a passionate person to fight for what they really want, most just settle for easy. You are one of few who see that life offers many hats to try. I am envious of the distance you can dream. I am beyond proud of you. I trust you with all of my soul, so even though I thought you were crazy at times I never doubted you.
Thomas A. Kempis says, "Love alone lightens every burden, and makes rough places smooth. It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders all bitterness sweet and acceptable."

I think about these past several months and how having Anthony and our family and this rich, rich love really has made everything so smooth. And I've thought how destined everything seems to be--as if the planets aligned on that day six months ago so perfectly because this was all in store for our future. And yes, our hardships are though as if it were nothing, and all bitterness has been rendered sweet and acceptable.
In a week the man I love will graduate and he will no longer wear a baseball cap he will don a Fireman’s helmet. This helmet will protect his life so he can save a life to make our life wonderful!