BABY JACK

He doesn’t know it yet but we celebrated him this weekend and over the past few months many people have joined his parents in celebrating him. Bringing gifts, throwing showers, eating cake and toasting champagne; these all because he is already so deeply loved and he is not even born .

My sisters face is different not just because of her pregnancy glow but she now carries concern, joy, pride , excitement and anticipation. All of which will be forever with her now that she is a mother. When his name Jack comes from her lips it is like she is talking about a best friend, but better. In our time together I have seen her be a lot of things, a sissy who helps me feel good about myself even if it means spending her whole paycheck. A powerful working woman giving every ounce of her time to pull off the perfect event. A daughter who needs advice but always finds her individuality. The blissful bride who is confident in the way she loves and know he will be her forever. An auntie that shares laughs, tears and will someday hold secrets because the bond she has created offer the strongest trust. And now I am charmed to watch her grow in this new role of her life. She has waited patiently and passionately for past nine months to wrap her arm around him and breath him in. But what she doesn’t know is that at that moment her heart will be replaced with a new one. A more beautiful one that sees more wonder in the world and learns more about true love every day. He will captivate her soul and make her happier then she has ever known. I cannot wait to watch the beauty which is to unfold in that room on the very day Jack graces us with his arrival.

All of us are anxiously awaiting the arrival of baby Jack. I know am looking forward to the moment I get my chance at embracing him in my arms and getting my heart filled just a little fuller. But for now we will wait praying for his health and a smooth delivery. And with that said cheers to baby Jack, we will forever celebrate you!

A new chapter in our story......

I would change the subject at any chance It would come up. Slowly but surely the questions got more frequent. Finally one friend actually brought me a sign-up sheet and said “here is the paperwork for the summer classes for primary school I think Lily would love it” Oouuccch! I dreaded the thought even before she was born. School. To even think of letting her go out in to this big world without me just about killed me.

I recall later that evening with pasta sauce covering face and uneven pigtails, sitting across from her at the dinner table my little Lily looked me in the eyes and said “when is school mommy” …….just like she knew exactly what it was and that if I didn’t get that paper work in ASAP she would miss it. She had overheard the conversation I had with my friend that day and decided in her own little smart mind she was ready for school.

Over and over I told my mom, my husband and anyone who would listen “she is only two” “ who needs school anyway”( not that I don’t want her to have a good education, it’s just that she is sooo young) None of my listeners disagreed with me, but it was clear she was ready for some sort of new challenging activity. Daily she would ask if she could go to school. I even caught her telling my sister a made up story of how she was going to school soon and how she would have friends…….but I am her friend!

I have spent hours thinking in the shower, driving in the car, lying in bed at night while everyone else sleeps is this the right thing to do? Will she be ok? Will she be scared? Can I get to her fast enough if she needs me? Will she really make friends? WHAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!!!

This will be a huge deal allowing my child’s mind to be influenced by another adult and dozens of children. I swore the moment I found out I was pregnant I would be the best mother possible. To me that meant staying home for her childhood, being the one who raised her not a daycare or a stranger. I carried her in my body making evey choice the best for her health and now I would guide her through childhood to shape her in to the best person she could be.

Somewhere within me I found the strength to set all my scary thoughts aside and give it a chance. First step was finding the school closet to my heart and that was the Montessori school that I had grown up in, in fact it still has the same teacher who taught me. We toured the school and finally after days of her asking and me fighting with myself. We signed her up for the summer program, three days a week for two hours a day.

Days before it was to be her first day, I asked her if she was ready and she replied “No I’m not going”….Oh dear Lord Almighty…. I already paid and I knew it was a bad decision. So after a weekend of not talking about it she asked again when school was. She was ready. I was not, but she was. The night before I barely slept, I was so nervous checking my alarm several times to see if we missed it. The moment she woke she came to me and asked “can I go to school now?” So we dressed in the outfits I had preset out, ate a big breakfast of eggs and bacon, then slowly I dragged my feet to the car. She talked the whole ride there, but I did not hear her words, all I could hear my heart beating fast and hard. I knew the moment we walked through the door she would turn to me and sob asking to go home, for me to hold her and I would know that she was just not ready. I was prepared for that and it would be ok with me. But what I was not prepared for was the answers I begged someone to give me, the answers I had prayed for were right in my arms telling me “ bye mommy, see you later”

My girl found courage and confidence in this new place with Ms. Lynn. I don’t know if she gave herself a kiddie pep talk or what but she was radiant. Grabbing the hand of her new teacher and walking right in to her classroom like it was her job. Although she held her head proud like she had no fears she gave me the satisfaction of reminding me she was still my innocent little girl. She ran to fence in the play yard as I was walking to car and kissed me though the fence and saying in a tone of more reminding me “you will pick me up soon right?”

I was jelly when I got to my car and didn’t recover until I got to back to the school parking lot to pick her up. I didn’t think she could be better than the little girl I dropped off but I could see the passion in her face that school draws the best from her. She was proud, and so was I!

That day was magic. I have learned she is capable of so much more than I ever imagined. Like teaching me she is brave and strong, I have learned that I need to trust her when she says she knows what she wants. I am looking forward to more chapters; because I know with her they will be good.

*A little funny-
First day while waiting for parents to pick the kids up the teacher asked the kids waiting “do you know what color car your mom drives?” the first kid answers “umm white” then it was Lily’s turn and Lily says
“my mom has credit cars!” ……..Yikes I’m in trouble!



Not real sure what to do? Just talking with the teacher.


My big school Girl! Her First day of School!

Man of many hats

He stood in our kitchen wearing a perfectly shaped black baseball cap when he first confessed his desire to be a fire man. This hat is his go to hat. Since we were teenager he would slip it on and run out the house on any given day. Someday to hide is bed head, others to hide the stress of family issues and sometimes because it just looked good hiding his shy eyes.

As our married life together began to take shape I have seen this hat belong to a musician who traveled across seas, two children have played peek a boo with it and often it sits on his dresser while he sells insurance in a dress shirt and tie.
But for the past six months upon his head has been a red baseball cap reading “Fire Academy 11-01”

Three full days without help, without a daddy, without a husband without my life partner. On Sundays our life gets a single moment for all of us to be together and fresh air fills the room. We all breath it in….long deep breaths knowing the next week we will return to missing him.

As our months turn to weeks on our countdown I start to see our future through a less foggy window. Although life as we know it has continued to go on since he started the fire academy in fact we have celebrated birthdays, road trips, baby showers, growing baby bumps(my sisters), mastered crawling, first steps, many laughs and milestone moments. Most of them without him.

While I sit in my cool comfortable dark room writing this now, complaining, feeling annoyed, he is wearing 70 pounds of hot gear planning, prepping, practicing to save a life, to save a home, to save someone’s memories.
So many times I have had to give myself a pep talk and remind myself to get over the fact I am tired. He is up at 2am on Saturdays running 7 miles, swimming laps in murky water, climbing dozens of flights of stairs and doing hundreds of pushups. Again I ask myself how tired am I?

Often I find would find myself longing for a moment alone, just to read my book. Since I have been a single parent those moments have been few and far between. But realize while I wish to read a book he is required to read hundreds of pages in order to pass his tests. All while working out, working insurance during the day, and cherishing the few hours he gets with his family.
He is passing with flying colors, I know of only a time or two where he didn’t get a perfect score. I am in awe of his motivation, studying well in to the night. He has always been well fit but his body is now sculpted to perfection from all of the physical training. His drive and dedication are remarkable.

So It is my chance to give him the recognition he deserves….Anthony you are an extraordinary man. I appreciate the way you give every ounce of your strength to our family. Working hard so I can stay home and be a mamma, so we can have a nice house, so we can have big family dinners and fun vacations, and so we can keep dreaming. I love the way you love our children with all of your heart. I thank you for making me feel loved, for making me miss you even when we are in the same room. And most of all I thank you for chasing your dreams and completing your goals. It takes a passionate person to fight for what they really want, most just settle for easy. You are one of few who see that life offers many hats to try. I am envious of the distance you can dream. I am beyond proud of you. I trust you with all of my soul, so even though I thought you were crazy at times I never doubted you.
Thomas A. Kempis says, "Love alone lightens every burden, and makes rough places smooth. It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders all bitterness sweet and acceptable."

I think about these past several months and how having Anthony and our family and this rich, rich love really has made everything so smooth. And I've thought how destined everything seems to be--as if the planets aligned on that day six months ago so perfectly because this was all in store for our future. And yes, our hardships are though as if it were nothing, and all bitterness has been rendered sweet and acceptable.
In a week the man I love will graduate and he will no longer wear a baseball cap he will don a Fireman’s helmet. This helmet will protect his life so he can save a life to make our life wonderful!